I found Jimmy Hoffa’s remains today!
Okay, not really, however, I really thought I would though…or maybe a petrified cat? I almost hate to admit the cat thing might not have surprised me.
See, today was the almighty “clean the kids rooms because you can’t take it anymore or you will have to burn the house down” day. Let me just explain; that is like trying to excavate a grain of rice at the La Brea Tar pits…It’s a dirty job, smells bad, no one wants to do it, and you never know what lies beneath all the goo.
Today, boy 8 had a few of those orphan Sippy cups… *gag* Not sure, what I mean? Let me explain. You know when you move a crib, a car seat, or maybe a couch, and there’s that baby bottle of coagulated milk that you couldn’t find forever despite how hard you looked for it. Then one day it seems to show up; weeks later… on a hot august afternoon, nipple swelling with rotting milk?… Yup, that’s the one. Only this wasn’t a bottle. It was a cup…and not just one… try a few…5 or 3.
Boy 8, after I let out the shuddered screech like I just found a human size spider with two heads, figures out the jig is up and I found his cup stash. Most kids would blush, kick a rock shrugging and try to apologize for being gross… Too bad my little 3 yr old is just not a normal kid. In his little 3 yr old voice he scolds me! Me! The mother! “Why did you find my cups?” He even raised his eyebrows at me. Like I purposefully found those lost soldiers in order to ruin his day.
Me: “Um, *gag* because we are cleaning and this is disgusting! What the heck are you doing?” there was a few swear words under my breath, but I figured I would just let you use your imagination.
8: Because, ev-one uses my cups! These are my cups!”
Me: “But they are dirty 8! Ewww, we need to wash these.” (Still gagging, and now my eyes are leaking.)
8: “NO!” he then begins to throw himself on the ground like he is on fire, “They will take my cups!
Me: “Yeah, these will kill you if you don’t wash them… (when all else fails, threaten death) all these *gag* this is gross, go put them in the kitchen when you are done flopping around on the ground”
After he told me I was mean, he stomped out of the room and did what I asked. He put them in the kitchen. That’s when you heard boy 1 scream all kinds of things that were close to needing bleeping to keep it PG. It’s his kitchen day so I really couldn’t blame him…
Anywho, he had them pushed between the bed and the wall with his stuffed little toys covering them. This way, even if you were to change his sheets you wouldn’t see them. (Oh goodie me)
If there were a Zombie apocalypse, I would hide in one of my boy’s rooms. Maybe even with, “the cups of the copious death.” Nothing, not even the flesh rotting dead would suspect someone would hide there. The smells alone would have them assuming there were only other zombies in there so why bother.
It’s a teens “parent repellant”… at least, that is if the parent is smart enough to hide from the stench, for some reason I never learn…
When I was a kid, I could be a slob. I went through the faze of ‘clean clothes belong on one side of the room, dirty on the other’… I was not however, as gross as pre and teen boys! My room never smelled, and never had things in there that could win science fairs. I often wonder if it is just a boy thing… Sadly, friends tell me it is not. You would think by now nothing would surprise me… but it still does.
Banana peals… do you know how long it has been since I purchased bananas? No? Well me either! But today, I found not one… but two old banana peels in a bedroom! My smart-ass boy 5 ran up and snatched them out of my hand saying, “There they are! I have been looking everywhere for them! Thanks mom! You’re the best!” as he giggled out to the trashcan. I nonetheless, stood there with eyes blinking, mouth a gaped trying to figure out where I went wrong in life.
It took us almost five hours to get through three rooms. It took them under an hour to make a mess… At least I know there’s nothing dead in there…I hope…
Do you ever lose stuff? Of course you do, and we are not talking about your mind. (Because we all know, I lost mine years ago) No lies here… I lose everything. Always have, and it drives the husband into a neurotic shit fit while I wait for the scolding to end. I can’t be too hard on him though, it’s hard to understand how someone can lose everything that is not attached to her like a note on your shirt from the preschool teacher.
Over the years, I have lost just about everything, and the cost is well… embarrassing. He should have known better after one of our first dates.
Let’s bring you back to about 1994, That was a few years after Prince was no longer a name but a symbol, Boys II Men from the word on the street was cool, the taller my doc martins the better and a gallon of gas was cheaper than a loaf of bread.
We go to the movies and he hands me the tickets to hold on too. But wait! We have an hour before it starts so we head on over to the arcade (for the young ones…that was before Xbox and the ps3) a few storefronts down. That place was the hangout for all high school kids and that one creepy guy who had been out of high school for 5 years but still wants to feel cool. It was the shit.
Anywho, needless to say, an hour later, I couldn’t find them. He had to buy us two more tickets, and of course, because he was trying to get me to give him 8 children he was a good sport about it. This my friends, is where it all went downhill.
I have lost a shoe, not shoes, and not a kids shoe (though those always seem to go missing right before they leave for school) I have literally lost one. I still cant find it, however I keep its mate in the closet hoping one rainbow filled, alcohol induced day it will finally come home. I miss it terribly. It was that ugly but oh so comfortable pair that you really only saw on teachers that should have retired in the ‘70’s or maybe the librarian.
Keys, I cant even tell you how many sets of keys I have lost. Now don’t think you need to give me all the nifty idea I should try that will help me not lose them. It’s a lost cause, believe me. I have even went to extremes like using one of those retractable key chains you attach to your belt that all the janitors use. I lost that and the pants they were attached to. Plus the pants didn’t fit in my purse, so there was no love lost there.
Cell phone…lost that puppy only to find it a few years later in a pair of shoes in my closet. Have no idea how it got there, but I can only assume it was the same night I lost my other shoe.
I no longer take my purse to the bar, because you guessed it… I have lost it there a few times. Thank the bar gods the bar tender is a friend who knows me well. It wasn’t really lost, more like placed somewhere until I was sober and could swing by the next day to get it… Total fail because that meant I needed to sit back and have a few drinks.(6 or 5) I’m seriously realizing…at this moment… this is her evil plan to get me to drink.
It amazes me the husband trusts me with our children. But then again, I suppose a baby sitter for all our kids would cost more.
Which brings me to the time I left a kid at school. I didn’t really lose him, but it did take a while to realize he wasn’t in the car. See, at their old school they had a designated pick up and drop off spot. The kind with all the pissed off parents behind you giving you the evil eye, wishing you were already gone so they could pick up their brats. (Which just made me want to drive realllllly sloooooow) I use to carpool with my neighbor which still to this day was the best gig ever! So there I was picking up her 3 and my…5? So I do the head count and pull away and not until I am half way down the street do the kids all start laughing that I left one of my boys at the school. (This is why I use a calculator with math) At least I can say I left one of mine, and not one of hers…
Then I lost boy 8 in my own house when he decided to sleep under the kitchen table and not tell me. Lets just say, I didn’t sleep for a week after that fiasco! (and yes I have looked under there for my shoe)
I lost my car in the Walmart parking lot for nearly an hour until I realized I wasn’t driving that car that day. The sad part…the friend who was with me also forgot it was she who drove. I am just glad I didn’t have to explain how I lost a 12 passenger van to the husband.
I lost a snake for a year. She was a 5 maybe 6 foot red tail boa. My brother in-law wouldn’t come over because of that fact. Therefore, I suppose if you need a really good in-law repellant, may I suggest to lose a snake in your house? We did finally find the snake one day when someone opened a drawer in the kitchen and she was coiled up in there trying to get warm.
I lose things all the time because I put them somewhere I wont lose it and forget where that is.
I have lost at least a year supply of beer because I open a can then forget where I set it… then grab another and lose that. I still think the husband is following behind me and drinking them himself. At least that’s what I would do if I could find them.
We have like 96 pairs of scissors. Because of course I lose one and by another and the cycle continues. Someday we will move and find them…just to lose them again.
I got lost coming home from the gas station down the street once… In my defense, I went there to get a monster energy drink and I hadn’t opened it yet. If I had maybe I would have been better suited to drive. Took me over a half hour to figure out where I was and finally get home. Thank you for are small town having water tanks I could use as direction.
Then there’s the spoons, socks, plates and bowls…but that’s because of the kids. (I apparently do not wear socks and eat with my hands)
This is also why I do not rent movies or go to the library.
I lost a zip up hoodie once at a friend’s house. He was a single dude and when I went back to find it he had a box…and not just any box.. this was a huge box. Total box of shame because there were 50 girls hoodies, a couple purses, shoes, earrings, you name it and it was there…well everything but my hoodie. I think my husband sat there for an hour goggling that box trying to picture life with his own box of shame.
I am beginning to see this week is turning into all of my faults. Maybe next week I will tell you how really good at flip-cup and beer pong I am.
So what is it we have all learned from this boys and girls? Don’t trust me to hold on to anything of yours, unless of course you don’t need it.